12/27 christmas

I sure do love my family! I've missed them so so so much in the past few months, but it's okay because I know I'll get to be with them forever and ever. How? Because of the love of Christ! Because of Him, we are able to conquer death and live forever. 

I'm so grateful for the love of my Savior and Brother Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful because I know that through Him, I can be better. That through Him, others can be better (even though who were really mean to me while I was working on Christmas Day). For me, He is a constant source of hope and love. To me, He is the greatest example. I sure do love Him! 

So, I want to sum this all up with this video: 

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas!! Never forget its true meaning, and spread some love.

12/18 first semester: things I've learned

Eight months ago, I sat in this exact area in this exact airport, feeling the exact same things I feel now. I had just finished Brown's Admitted Students' program, A Day on College Hill (ADOCH), and I was so happy. I was so happy to have gotten to know such a beautiful campus and meet such beautiful people. As I reflected back on my three days at Brown, I knew that this special place was where I wanted to be for the next four years.
As I sit here today, waiting to go home (or should I say "visit?"), I feel the same things...and a lot more. I am so freaking happy to have chosen Brown. I've met the coolest people with the most interesting lives, and I've learned so much—about the world and myself.
Looking back on my first semester of college and full-time independence, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm proud of the decisions I've made because I've met really great people along the way. Furthermore, I've learned so much about myself. That I have a pretty awesome mentality that everything will be okay. That I am resilient because of that mentality. That I have the greatest support system ever. That I am exceptionally persistent, sometimes to a fault. And, that I, as a student and person, matter to the world.
Speaking of the world, while at Brown, I've also learned a few things about it. That racism and pure hate continue to exist in the world today, making it an uglier place for people of color. That humanitarianism can sometimes perpetuate the unfortunate system of poverty. That urban youth are not being given the proper educations they need to be given to break the cycle. That cancer, although deadly and disheartening, is a really freaking cool and smart disease. And, above all, that there are people who exist and care enough about these things to do something about them—to want to work to change the systems and, ultimately, make the world a better place.
With all of these things in mind, I want to cue you in on something: Brown is not the greatest institution in the world. The university has some flaws—the greatest of them being that it continues to perpetuate the problems and ideas of white supremacy and elitism. BUT, I am grateful that it is trying to fix that flaw—that it is working with students to better the campus for students of color. I am even more grateful to be surrounded by an amazingly beautiful and intelligent student body that realizes this flaw and actively fights to eradicate it.
These are the people that I want to be with for the next four years. These are the people that I want to work with to become a better me. These are the people that I hope to be.

11/26 thankful

Today is Thanksgiving, and today I am especially grateful for...

My amazing and supportive-beyond-words family

(yes, I photoshopped David in ahhahahahahha)

My adorable dog, Cocco

Maggie and Getzi

My church homies

Brown University

Serene, the chillest roommate

Catalyst Pham

Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father, the gospel, and the opportunity to learn more about them

(Doctrine and Covenants 78:19)

I'm so thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life! They make my life AN AWESOME LIFE, and I credit my happiness to their presence. 

I hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving! :-)

11/22 nineteen (in Newport) and a vow

This weekend, I turned nineteen. It's not really a milestone age, but it is the first birthday I spent without my family...and it was a good one (thanks to the greatest friends a girl can ask for).
A group of my friends and I took a Zipcar and went to Newport, Rhode Island's beach town. One of my favorite things to do ever is driving, and I was so freaking happy and excited to be driving on my birthday.

Once we got to Newport, we hit up a random beach. As soon as I was out of the car, I took off my shoes and socks and got my feet wet. The water was so cold I felt like my feet were going to fall off, but the cold water was also somehow really nice and comforting.

We stayed at the beach for awhile until we finally left to go on the Newport Cliff Walk. We were supposed to see some beautiful mansions on the walk, but I don't think we walked enough of the Cliff Walk to actually get to the mansions haha. The super super duper awesome thing about the Cliff Walk though was the CLIFFS. So freaking beautiful and cool and just so calming. It's weird how the crashing of waves on rocks is calming.

When we were getting tired of walking and 45 degree wind, we walked back to the car, got in, and drove. There was no real destination--I just wanted to drive. I wanted to drive and see more beaches. I wanted to feel a bit spontaneous. And I'm glad I did because we eventually came upon this view:

On our way home to Providence, we grabbed some McDonalds. I will be the first to admit that I miss McDonalds, the nasty nasty fast food chain. It's a gross confession, and I can't exactly be proud of it, but it is what it is, ya know? I love me a BigMac, some McNuggets, and amazing fries. So, thanks to my kind, food-sharing roommate, I got it.

Back in Providence, I grabbed dinner with my Catalyst Pham. It was also my dearest friend Sarah's birthday too!! It was sweet having so many Catalyst people together in such a long time. They're the coolest people.

Alas, as my first weekend of being a 19-year old comes to a close, my heart is full of love and gratitude. After an extra tough week, I was reminded of how lucky I am. I am blessed with the greatest support system ever, and I am especially lucky to know that there is always someone there for me when I am in need. In these times of gratitude, I think about the people in the world who are not as lucky. There are people in the world who feel lonely or unwanted, whether for a short period of time or for their entire lives. Whatever the degree, those feelings are the worst feelings in the entire world, and no one should ever have to feel them.
So, this year, I promise to do all that I can to make people feel loved and wanted. How will I do this, you ask? Honestly, I'm not 100% sure, but I have a pretty solid idea, and it starts with a smile.

11/11 Favorite Sources of Comfort

Sometimes, if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably half-smile and say "I'm good" or "Okay" or "Alright for the most part." ...but am I really? It depends. I've certainly had a few ups and downs like every other college freshman, but I have learned what I need to do to get over those slumps: get over it. Sounds obvious, right? ...but it's true!

Nothing is going to get you over a slump except you. You can power through, and you will make it.

BUT I understand that sometimes it takes longer for different people to get out of their slumps. I also understand that some of us (aka me right now) may just want to mope around, throw ourselves a pity party, and wallow in that sadness for a wee bit. Whatever case you may fall under, I present to you a list of some of my favorite things that help me get over a slump aka my "Favorite Sources of Comfort."
NOTE: A lot of these are spiritual, but I encourage you to read/do them despite your spirituality as these are usually my most powerful sources of comfort. 

• A phone call to anyone in my family (but especially my mom and sister)
  When I'm feeling a little bit sad, I like to talk it out with those who I feel know me best. It's so nice to hear a familiar voice despite the distance (although it always chokes me up a bit). My family always knows what to say to make me feel better. Also, it's a special reminder that I (and I assure you, you) have an amazing support system no matter what.
• Pictures of my dog
  I miss her so much, and I wish she could talk and be here so I could force her to cuddle with me. Unfortunately, she's not, so I made of my favorite pics of her and I my phone background. I also made a photo album of her because she's absolutely adorable.
• Staying away from social media (if only for a little bit)
  Oftentimes, I feel myself getting sad because I'm comparing my life to the lives of others, so it's nice to get away from social media until I get a brighter picture of myself and am able to stop feeling so insecure. Nowadays, it's so easy to compare ourselves to others whether we're doing it consciously or not. When you catch yourself doing this, don't encourage it! Stop it! No! You are so freaking awesome and great and REAL. You are HUMAN, and you need to love yourself for that. We should only do things that build us up, so do yourself a favor and don't compare yourself to others. 
• A talk by President Thomas S. Monson: "We Never Walk Alone"
  "...your Heavenly Father loves you--each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."
  Never forget that you are so freaking loved!! I cannot emphasize/reiterate this enough.
• Doctrine and Covenant 18:10
  "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."
  This scripture is probably my favorite scripture of all time. I first read it in a very low time of my life, and it strengthened the image I had of myself so so so much. It reminded me that I am so freaking awesome, and even though other people may not think I'm awesome, Heavenly Father thinks I am! And that's all that truly matters at the end of the day. (This scripture is also really cool because it's a daily reminder to me that everyone (not just me) is great in the sight of God. It reminds me to be nicer and to love everyone around me.)
• Matthew 11:28-30
  "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
  I love this scripture so much that it was the very first one I wrote on my chalkboard wall. It's the best reminder that we are never alone and that we can find peace wherever we are as long as we think of our Savior Jesus Christ and all He's done for us. Because of Him, we can do anything and everything!
• Doctrine and Covenants 78:17-18
  "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessing the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; and ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours, and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."
  It's so important for us to remember that there is someone who knows of our divine plan (Heavenly Father!). We have to have faith that HF wants nothing more than the best for us, and when we know that, we know that everything happens for a reason. Everything is a part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. Sure, failing a midterm may not be a part of our plan, but it's a part of HF's. It's a trial that HF knows we need to go through in order to be better. So, have faith.
• Another talk by Thomas S. Monson: "Yellow Canaries with Gray on Their Wings"
  "To live greatly, we must develop the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility. You ask, "How might we achieve these goals?" I answer, "By getting a true perspective of who we really are!" We are sons and daughters of a living God, in whose image we have been created. Think of that truth: "Created in the image of God." We cannot sincerely hold this conviction without experiencing a profound new sense of strength and power..."
  It is so empowering for us to know that we are children of God--that we are created so that one day, we can be PERFECT. We will never be perfect in this life, but we can be in the next. And, if that's not awesome, then I don't know what is.
• Prayer
  In times of distress, we need to take special time to think and appreciate what we have. We need to be extra thankful for all our many blessings. It's easier for me to do this when I pray, but if praying isn't your thing, just meditate. Or just sit down and chill and think about all your blessings. Either one works. Just be grateful!
• LDS songs 
• EFY medley: "As Sisters in Zion/We'll Bring the World His Truth" 
• David Archuleta - "Glorious" 
• Youth theme: "Come Unto Christ" 
• Hillsong United - "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" (not LDS, but still amazing)

These songs remind me of my faith in Heavenly Father's love for me and my knowledge that He'll never put us through a trial that we can't overcome. Not to mention, these songs are really peaceful and super soothing. 

• This Mormon video: "You Never Know How Much Good You Do"
  This video reminds us that even though we may not feel like we are doing much to impact the world, we are are impacting someone's world someway, somehow. We can help so many people by simply having a smile on our face or by being an example. Never feel that any acts of kindness you may do go unnoticed because one simple act of kindness can go a long way.
• Any comedy show/movie
  My favorite right now is Brooklyn Nine-Nine...absolutely brilliant! Watch something that makes you laugh and forget all that is happening if only for a little bit. I assure you, just after a few laughs, you'll re-enter the world with a much better attitude.
• Dance parties
  Again, forget all that is happening around you for a little bit and turn on your favorite happy/upbeat songs. If Meredith and Cristina have taught me anything in Grey's Anatomy, it's to "dance it out." You'll feel so much better after dancing around ridiculously for a few minutes. Just an aside, though: no dance party is complete without a rap battle (my favorite is Lil Wayne in "Down" or Jaden Smith in "Never Say Never"), a One Direction song, and a Taylor Swift song.
• Exercise OR a nice walk
  I personally am not a big fan of exercise, but I admit that it helps me de-stress. Also, if you're not too keen on legit exercise either and going to the gym and all that jazz, go for a stroll outside! It's my favorite time of year to do this (it's FALL!!!) because it's so pretty outside. Just take time to breathe (especially if it's nice, clean, fresh air). 

In conclusion, I hope some of the things that help me help you. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever you're going through, I pray you know that all will be better. Even when things may seem bleak, I promise that if you take a step back and honestly try to have a new perspective, things will not be as bleak as they seem. And if even if they still do seem bleak, know that I firmly believe with all my heart that everything is conquerable. I hope you do too. 

10/11 phamily

Around 6:30 A.M. on August 23rd, I arrived in Providence and began the first day of a program that has already magnificently affected and shaped my life as a college freshman: Catalyst. Just a bit of background, Catalyst is a "pre-orientation program aim[ed] to prepare [underprivileged and] underrepresented students for science at Brown" (I'm citing the webpage here). With this definition in mind, I came into the program having a general idea of what I was supposed to be doing academically: STEM stuff and leadership stuff. I thought that was all, but I was pleasantly surprised that that was not all.
Note: I'm going to spare you the rarely gory and mostly awesome details of the actual program and just tell you about the aftermath (although I don't mind talking it out with you if you're interested!! I'm just too lazy to type it all out hehe).
Catalyst instilled in me a sense of empowerment and confidence I previously lacked. It taught me how to "take my space" and validate myself (and others, of course!). It reminded me that I was chosen to matriculate at Brown for a reason--that I have just as much potential as anyone else here (even though it may feel very on the contrary sometimes). This concept of "taking my space" was entirely foreign to me pre-Catalyst, and honestly, I would be feeling so much more crappier about college life if I wasn't fortunate enough to learn about this gem of life beforehand. I seriously cannot even express how empowering Catalyst is though. Like, it's just so amazing. UGH
I am so incredibly blessed to have been a part of Catalyst. I am lucky to have been taught about vectors, partial derivatives, dot coordinates, contour maps, and a bunch of other academic things. I am super lucky to have had the dedicated coordinators and leaders that I did--they made Catalyst so freaking special. Above all, I am so so so so so so freaking lucky to have made a great friend out of every. single. one. of the other nineteen kids in the cohort.

(struggling together aka bonding aka hiking at Mount Monadnock)

(Goodbye hugs for Russyan, the coolest dude ever)

(First group pic as official Brown Freshman!!!!)

To my Catalyst Phamily,

You guys are such a giant part of my life here at Brown, and I honestly would be so lonely and sad if it weren't for you all. Each of you are so special. That sounds so cheesy, but I seriously mean it. I see so much freaking potential in each and every single one of you, and I cannot wait to see how you all grow and get closer to your dreams in the next four years. I love y'all so much, and you each have a little piece of real estate in my heart for seriously ever.

As a thank you to you all, I made a video. It's pretty long haha. Sadly though, it still doesn't do any of our experiences justice, but I tried. I hope y'all enjoy it!

Again, thank you for the amazing times, and here's to many many more :-)

8/25 summer thank you's

This summer--the summer before college--was definitely one for the books.
*cue sappy and cheesy and lowkey gross and all feelsy blog post NOW*
It was seriously a great way to end the Life-Before-College-and-Adulthood chapter of my life. I love the friends I've strengthened my bonds with this summer, so I wanted to take a bit of time to thank some of them more than I already have:

Maxx & Mom + the rest of my fam
I'll never stop thanking you all just because yall the bomb dot com, and there's literally no other people in the world I would rather be sealed to for time and all eternity (besides my future spouse...MAYBE). Without yall's endless support, patience, and unconditional love, I would not be the person I am today. I would not be where I am today. From the bottom of my heart, I love yall so freaking freaking much. I thank God basically every day that I picked and was able to placed into this family a long time ago. Thank you for all you do for me. I hope to do the same one day! :-)

Mags & Getz
I don't think you two understand the impact you've had on my life this year. Seriously, you both are in so many ways my Saving Graces. From all of our dinner and movie dates (FINE I'M CALLING THEM DATES) to our midnight rants about people (especially boys), the two of you have never stopped listening to me. No matter what, you always understood and empathized with me, and that means the world to me.
Mags, I will never forget the times you've shut me up with all of your freakin SKERRRT-ing or the times you've insulted me and I you. Even more memorable, however, are the all of the times you've almost killed me and Getz (esp. ME) in your car. Getz, I will never forget the times you Keisha'd in all of your stories or the way your mom loves me more than you jk.
Lastly, I have no idea what I did without yall pre-Carmike-and-GoPo and what to do without yall post-Carmike-and-GoPo. All I know is that this summer would not have been the same. So thank you.

Brielle, Noelle, & Brock + the rest of my Mormon kids
All of you have touched my heart so many times this summer, and I will never forget each and every one of those times. You guys always make me feel so so so loved, and when I'm around you guys, I always want to be better.  You are all so talented like I'm so freaking proud to know all of you. (YES even you Brielle, no matter how many times you deny it) And seriously thank you for letting me intrude in yall's youth activities even though I'm so old :-(

To end this blog post, I made a video of my random experiences this summer, playing to a sort of nostalgic yet hopeful song: "Home" by Gabrielle Aplin.

"So when I'm ready to be bolder, 

And my cuts have healed with time

Comfort will rest on my shoulder

And I'll bury my future behind

I'll always keep you with me

You'll always be on my mind

But there's a shining in the shadows

I'll never know unless I try"

...and so I'm off to stranger places! Well technically, I'm already IN stranger places...I made it to Providence! I've been here for a few days now and will be blogging about it in a few weeks, of course, so be on the lookout! AND if you wanna send me letters (WHICH I WILL LOVE AND DIE FOR), hit me up on Facebook or something and I'll give you my box number :-)

7/28-7/30 Youth Conference #3fy

Every summer, the youth of my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, have the glorious opportunity to participate in one type of summer program/camp. This year, I participated in my local stake's Youth Conference with two other stakes. (Note: "Stakes" are basically just a giant group of LDS churches, organized by their area.) There was over 300 youth there, all ranging from the age of 14 to 18, coming from all different places to stay at Mars Hill University for three and a half days.

At Youth Conference, I was so so so lucky to be placed into a super chill company (a group of boys and girls) with super awesome counselors. Seriously, I miss them all so freaking much right now. My company was a HUGE (like 85%) part of my experience there, and I know that without them, I would not have felt the same about Youth Conference. I would not have had such a memorable experience. Because of them, I always felt the Spirit. Because of them, I always felt happy, content, and at peace. Because of them, I began seeing some things in a different light. Most importantly, because of them, I strengthened my testimony of Jesus Christ's Atonement.

Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered for us in the Garden of Gethsemane and died for us on the cross. He suffered all of the sins of the world so that we can repent and atone for our sins and wrongdoings. He died for us so that one day, we can all live again with our Heavenly Father. Through the Atonement, we can literally do anything. It enables us to ask for Heavenly Father's help and strength in anything we do, whether it is as trivial as giving us the strength to get out of bed or as challenging as becoming a more patient person. Because of Jesus Christ, we can learn how to become more loving, kind, and humble. We can learn how to become more perfect people, so perfect that one day, we can sit next to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ on thrones as gods in Heaven. I know this fact with every fiber of my being, and I want nothing more than to do just that one day. I want nothing more than to spread the love of Christ everywhere I go.

(our first group pics minus Zack)

(my favorite kids in the entire world)

 (This is Zack and Forrest. They're both into cinematography and make cool videos! Click on their names to check out their awesome YouTube channels!)

(Idalis was my roommate!! she's great)

(Long live, my Look and Live-rs. I wouldn't trade my time with yall for anything.)

Finally, as I'm now 18 and going to college, this youth conference was the last one I could attend as a youth, so I thought it was fitting to make a video of my experiences there, duh!



The thought of never going again makes me sad, but I'm so happy I have the memories of this last youth conference to hold me over for a long time. Not to mention I can always try to go back as a super awesome counselor ;-)

7/8 get away (from social media)

For awhile now, I've lessened a lot of my time on social media. I deleted the Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and Facebook apps off my phone, and one day, I'll actually delete my Instagram and Snapchat accounts (it's just a HUGE commitment as of right now and I'm kinda scared to do it). The only thing I'm really interested in keeping is my Facebook just because that's how I keep up-to-date with my family and because it's a great missionary tool. Anyways, today, I wanted to talk about the reasons why I stepped back from social media networks and the wonderful feelings I've felt since I made that decision.

WHY I LESSENED MY TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA
1. There was a point in my life when I was sorta obsessed with keeping track of other people's lives. I don't know why. I just was, and it didn't make me feel better about myself. It made me feel bad about myself and sorta sad. Why? I compared my life to the lives of other people. I asked myself things like...why aren't you doing something cool with your life right now? Like why, oh Cassey, why are you watching another episode of The Office when you can be doing something else? Why aren't you hanging out with your friends? Do you even HAVE friends? These questions hurt...even when I know that I'm freaking kick-butt awesome, that I have friends, and that another episode of The Office isn't harmless. These feelings were weird feelings, and I just wanted them to stop.
2. I realized that I don't have to share moments of my life with the world to make them matter. Me posting pictures online doesn't make any parts of my life any cooler or more exciting. It doesn't make me feel better about myself in any way. So why worry about doing it all the time? ...because that's what I was doing: worrying about how others perceived my life through a screen.  And honestly, that's ridiculous! Like I read that back to myself as I write this, and I just scoff because--my goodness--that's just so sad. No one should be worrying about how people perceive them. Period. And yes, that's another whole dragon to defeat, but it starts with not worrying about how people see you through a screen.
3. Basically, social media is not productive to the person I want to become. It's not. I've said this a lot in this post, but it's so important: I want to do things for myself. It's all about personal edification for me. I want to only do things that build me up, and social media did not do that for me. When I share things on my blog and Facebook, I share them because they mean a lot to me and I want to remember them.
4. Social media is not productive in general. Seriously, have you ever wondered how much time you spend on social media? Like do you know how long it takes to scroll through an Instagram feed? Or how many seconds it takes to review other peoples' Snapchat stories? It's a LONG time! You can be doing so so so much better things than that. You can be going on a hike, playing outside, learning new hobbies, writing a blog, or whatever else your amazing mind can come up with.

WHAT I HAVE GAINED
1. More "me" time. I seriously spend so much time doing my own thing that it's great. When I'm not working, I'm doing whatever I want to do, and it's nice.
2. More time with my family. Really just my mom. She's great!
3. A better perspective. I've already touched on this, but I'm gonna mention it again...Only do things that make you feel better about you, whatever that is. You know what makes me feel better about me? Netflix. Books. Blogs. Exercise. Work. Basically anything that's not social media.

Now now now, I want to note that this post may or may not be hypocritical considering that I am sitting here and writing this. BUT I hope that you did gain something from this post. I think it is so important for us to take a second and evaluate what sort of role social media plays in our lives. Seriously, do it. I found that it played more of a negative role than a positive one, and so I pulled myself away from it (not completely, but enough for right now). I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, so maybe you should too.

To show that I am not that much of a hypocrite, here's some pics of me and my amazing friend, Emma, who has also lessened her time on social media. We went to Pilot Mountain today to chill out and be adventurous! So we went kayaking...for about fifteen minutes...after I saw a river monster (or rock?? almost positive it was a river monster though tbh). Then, we went on this trail part of the mountain; saw deer, bunnies, lots of bugs, and a snake; and tried to be artsy with these pics. We ended up just being awkward goofs, but I hope you enjoy these pics anyways :-)

I also wanted to take the time to mention that Emma is such a great example to me, and I love her a lot. Tbh, I'm kinda sad HF placed her in my life at such a late time (I literally just met her a few months ago!!), but I know He has His own reasons. I'll miss her so much while she's doing amazing things (i.e. meeting hot returned-missionaries) at BYU Hawaii. I'll visit ya sometime, Em ;-)